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James Hamblin Just as the rest of society has more openly confronted the ugly reality of rape, the BDSM scene has had to acknowledge that "Safe, Sane, Consensual" is often more of an ideal than reality. InKitty Stryker, a blogger and longtime member of the BDSM community, spoke out about having her negotiated boundaries repeatedly violated by people she sihn. This triggered a flood of similar s across blogs, message boards, and discussion thre.

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James Hamblin Just as the rest of society has more openly confronted the ugly reality of rape, the BDSM scene has had to acknowledge that "Safe, Sane, Consensual" is often more of an ideal than reality. InKitty Stryker, a blogger and longtime member of the BDSM community, spoke out about having her negotiated boundaries repeatedly violated by people she trusted.

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This triggered a flood of similar s across blogs, message boards, and discussion thre. Inthese anecdotes were backed up by a survey by the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, a group that works for the legal protection of alternative sexual practices. The survey found that 30 percent of people who participated in BDSM had had their pre-negotiated boundaries violated by a isgn.

Revelations of abuse also frequently surface on FetLife. However, Fehlife administrators quickly ed the user who started the thread, requesting that all usernames be removed.

The thread can still be viewed in its anonymized version by registered Fetlife users. Many of the stories shared on FetLife are horrific. Written abuse plagues much of the Internet, and attempts to deal with it are still inadequate.

An additional challenge is that FetLife users rarely use their real names, or even show their faces in profile photos, due to the risk to their day-to-day lives if their still-marginalized sexual practices were exposed. But before any of their more Fetkife efforts, Twitter and Facebook allowed users to call out others for bullying, slurs and death threats. That Fetlie resulted in prosecutions that are themselves complicated, but which may help make online life more civil.

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The inability to name abusers on FetLife, even pseudonymously, deepens the faceless distance that breeds online abuse. It also robs FetLife, and the online BDSM community more generally, of the self-policing and communication that are crucial to safety. Exploring Dign through a screen is attractive to less-savvy acolytes—but anonymity is also like oxygen for the bad actors likely to prey on them.

Christian Grey is far from the first dangerous fictional character who people also find attractive. The more important question is how those sort of fantasies get channeled into real-world behavior.

Lokerson herself is an arresting example of the difference between the two. Her main priority in life, sgin says, is getting her teenage daughters off to college.

As we talk, her husband occasionally chimes in benignly from the background, not much differently than any half-interested spouse. That Fetlifee of subtle balance between fantasy and reality is hard to establish in the context of a hookup between two strangers who met online.